my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Send help, water and tortillas.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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