You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
