So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
you would pick up someone in the library
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
