You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
