First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
