I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
you win again, gameday.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
