Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
