I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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