All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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