He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Never joke about your clitoris.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
