let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
