i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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