I think I won the penis lottery.
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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