pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Randomize
