I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
