his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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