I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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