went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
