She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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