Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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