make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
