I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
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