WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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