What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
My penis needs a shock collar
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
