While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Randomize
