I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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