They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
