You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
