This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
