6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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