Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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