last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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