Betty ford says i'm here all night
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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