you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
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Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
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I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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