You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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