Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
