drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
