At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize