I need to stop coming to work sober
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Randomize
