hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
