i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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