is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
How external is "for external use only"?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
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