my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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