I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
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i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
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Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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