I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
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He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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