I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
