ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
sarcasm needs its own font
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
