I think scott just propositioned me for sex
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
