we have officially lost it.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
