last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
