If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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