I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
