I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Your cock deserves a montage
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
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