i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
