So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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