Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
