So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
