you win again, gameday.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
